Dear Ms. Psychotic Bill Collector

mean-debt-collectorI want to thank you for your numerous phone calls at all hours of the day and night – particularly the one at 6:30 a.m. the other morning, which served as my wake up alarm to get the children off to school for yet another day with no snack and no drink because we can’t afford such frivolities.  I also want to thank you for the phone call Sunday evening at 9:00 p.m. when my family and I were sitting down to dinner.  I’m sorry we didn’t invite you as well, but the chicken that a family member gave us to bake was barely big enough for the four of us, even with the corn and creamed potatoes I was able to rustle up to accompany it.

I also want to thank you for reminding me, on a daily basis, of my responsibilities that I am unable to fulfill at the moment.  Your constant harassment and threats really help to boost my self-esteem, so thank you!

Even though I have explained to you, on several different occasions, that I am currently unemployed – you still want to play “Let’s Make A Deal” and tie me down to a date when payments will begin, or offer to reduce the amount owed by 50% (which is extremely generous), and I do appreciate it.

Like most people, I want the American Dream.  I want a house of my own, I want my children to have all the advantages available to them to have a bright and successful future, I want to live a happy life.  So one of my resolutions this year was to take care of all of my outstanding debt within the next 18 months so that we could build up our credit rating and purchase a house of our own.  That’s our dream.

I also know that you are just doing your job (albeit a little zealously since you’re a psychotic bitch who doesn’t understand English).  However, calling people on the weekend, late in the evenings, or extremely early in the morning is NOT going to get you or your agency anything from me except IGNORED.

See, I know who I owe and to whom I owe it to.  I did not do business with you.  I would never do business with anyone like you.  People who prey on the misfortune of others and do everything within their power to belittle them and threaten them are NOT people I do business with.  The fact that the company I did do business with saw fit to hire you to do their collections is not a point in their favor and they never need worry about my doing business with them again.

Not everyone is the “run the bill up and then don’t pay it” deadbeat that you presume them to be.  The economy is floundering at the moment, along with millions of Americans who are just trying to keep a roof over their head.  We are attempting to take care of a family of four on $35,000 a year (although the median income for Virginia is $85,586 a year). (Information from the U.S. Census Bureau).  I am working from home, and actively seeking employment outside the home (which of course will incur after school fees at a local establishment if I do obtain employment and, depending on the location, I’ll need transportation, and gas for said transportation – both of which we do not have). I did not ask to become unemployed; in fact, I did everything within my power to kiss the boss lady’s ass just to KEEP my job (apparently my ass kissing skills aren’t what they used to be) and the way things are going right now – we aren’t even sure if The Man Thing will have a job in six months.

So dear Ms. Psychotic Bitch Bill Collector, as you can see, I have larger, more immediate issues to deal with, then whether or not you get a payment each month.  The harassing phone calls will just get your number blocked and sent straight to voice mail where they will promptly be deleted without being listened to.  Oh, and if you think increasing the frequency of calls to two or three per day will help, guess again.  The only thing that is going to do is royally PISS ME OFF and get you and the company you represent moved to the very bottom of the list of people to be paid.

Like I said, I do understand you are just doing your job.  So let me give you a piece of advice.  Send me a letter once a month or give me a call once a month – just to check on things and update your status.  Be cordial, be understanding, be supportive. I am doing my best to take care of everything on my end. Contrary to popular belief, I can’t just step outside and pull a couple hundred dollars off the golden money tree in the backyard and pay everyone immediately.

Mother Goose chopped that bitch down YEARS ago.

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