Hindsight Is 20/20

I’ve spent the better part of the day reading blogs online and thinking. A dangerous combination for me. I had free time with the Man Thing out of the house and the demon babies bothering some other poor mom upstairs for two hours.

I was reading Attack of the Redneck Mommy and just getting a huge chuckle out of her posts when I came across her blog about her son passing away. And then another family’s blog about their daughter passing away. And I got to thinking about my mom.

I know she’s in heaven. I know she’s mothering everyone who doesn’t have a mom there. She was like that. I miss her a lot. Especially today. It’s been 17 years since I saw her. Since I heard her laugh. She had such a deep, happy laugh. The kind that comes from your toes and just gets deeper as it comes up and out of your mouth. She had a smile that lit up a room. She had the most beautiful voice too. I loved to listen to her talk. Yet, every time I think of the good things about my mom, that last Christmas we had together and the harsh words that were said that caused me to not speak to her for a few weeks, always pushes its way back into my memory. I was lucky. I made up with my mom before she passed away, and I told her how much I loved her. But I still think sometimes, was it enough? Did she really know how special she was to me? Did she know how much I appreciated her? I don’t know. And I won’t know until I see her again.

I’m a creative sort, being an Aquarius and all. I love creating – anything – and there for awhile my passion was doing images. Creating IncrediMail stationery and matching signature tags for my friends and members of my Yahoo groups like nobody’s business. I could really crank them out on a good day. But for the past few months, the desire hasn’t been there to do it any longer. I don’t know why. Possibly because of all the copyright police out there now, making it next to impossible for us to use anything we really like without paying for it. It’s a hobby. I don’t have a lot of money to spend on a hobby. So I’ve been using free stuff. It’s not the same. I know I’m rambling, but I’m trying to work through my thoughts here as I type (and deal with a headache that is just begging to break free and consume me while I beat it back with a baseball bat and a fistful of Tylenol) so pardon me if none of this makes sense. It’s almost as though my creativity, at least in this area, has been drained and my focus is now on something totally different. Three years ago I would have called you completely daft if you had told me there would come a day when I didn’t feel like creating stationery and tags. But it has, and I don’t know how to deal with this right now. I have people who depend upon me in that area, who enjoy my creations, and I know who will not want me to leave the PSP community. And I don’t know if I want to totally leave either, although I have left quite a few Yahoo groups I belonged to already.

Since I got fired left my job at Estes the end of the year, I’ve done quite a bit of soul-searching. Where do I want my life to go? What do I want to do with my life? How do I go about making my dreams come true? How will what I want effect my family? It’s a lot to think about. Something I should have been doing years ago, but the past few years I’ve kind of gone through life with blinders on. I feel as though I’m waking up and accepting what I have and who I am finally though. I am who I am. I cannot change for you because you don’t like something about me. I can change for ME…but I can’t change for YOU. If I don’t want the change, it won’t happen. No matter how much I try.

I want to write. I want to get back to writing my short stories and my poetry. I want to write a book one day. I also want to be a web designer. I want to expand my knowledge on that front. I want to take some college courses and get my degree as a web designer. I want to own my own business, I want to work from home and be the working stay-at-home mom that my kids need me to be. I want to be here for them and give them all the love and attention that they deserve and still appease my inner chatty cathy and be a part of the working world.

But how do I do that? How do I do all that I want? Where do I start? How do I ensure that I don’t lose a part of myself, or my children, in the process?

But back to my earlier thought…I know I complain about my children quite a bit. I dislike their actions, not my children. I love my children. I don’t tell my children that often enough though. I called my daughter the other day and left her a message to tell her I loved her just because. I haven’t heard a peep from her. I think she must have fainted and still hasn’t come to. I tell the boys I love them daily. But with everything going on in our lives, I don’t spend quality time with them. At least not what I call quality time. Talking to them while I’m reading email or they are doing homework or we are eating dinner isn’t quality time for me.

So I am going to go fix us a big bowl of popcorn and snuggle on the couch with my babies. And tell them I love them. And hug them. And kiss them. After a bath that is. They tried to crawl into the dumpster today. Twice. Ya just gotta love boys.

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