Should Have Paid Attention in Health

Kind of kicking myself for not paying attention in health class all those years ago when they were discussing the importance of ligaments. Those little suckers are painful. 

Two weeks ago while getting the house ready for the big fight between Mayweather and McGregor and the husband’s fight party, I was a cleaning machine. I went full-on fall cleaning mode and washed windows and window sills, rearranged furniture, threw out a bunch of stuff that was busted that hubby wouldn’t. I dusted and swept and mopped my little heart out.

Silly me forgot that a rag with furniture polish on it sitting on a hardwood floor makes for a VERY slippery surface. So as I was finishing up the living room and getting ready to tackle the dining room, I was taking something back to the bedroom to get it out-of-the-way – hit the slippery spot on the floor – and BAM! All 275 pounds of my fat arse went down and landed on my right knee. 

I literally had to crawl to the couch to get some leverage to get up with my 14-year-old son on the other side trying his best to help me get up too. So I was done for the night. Put some ice on it, took some pain meds, and kept it propped up.

Woke up the next morning to what looked like a large grapefruit shoved underneath my skin. Off to Patient First I went. It was a Saturday so my primary care doctor wasn’t around and I didn’t feel like dealing with the emergency room. They took x-rays and cheerfully informed me that nothing was broken but I probably strained or tore my ACL.

Okay fine. So they gave me an immobilizer to put on my knee, offered me crutches (which I declined or they would have seen me back there within the hour with a busted something or other – total clutz on crutches) and gave me some pain meds and sent me on my way. Told me to follow-up with my family doctor in three days if the swelling had not subsided or I was still in a lot of pain.

So I go home, try walking and finishing the house cleaning with the immobilizer on. Picture a penguin trying to bend and contort its body and that’s pretty much what I looked like. Off came the immobilizer. So I’m hobbling around the house, not too bad, trying to finish up the cleaning. Mopped the kitchen floor and as I was trying to get out of the corner I’d backed myself into while mopping, I slipped and fell on the wet floor.

Down on the right knee I went again – and literally SCREAMED in agony this time.

Only this time nobody was here to hear me scream or help me up.

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I don’t know how long I sat on that floor rocking and crying till I was finally able to get back up and on the couch (again within crawling distance). 

Fast forward two weeks to today. Been doing okay with the knee. Resting it, putting ice on it when I over exerted myself trying to walk too much, still had not followed up with the ortho doctor. Last night I was bringing in groceries and the knee was hurting – had been running around a lot and it was feeling the strain. 

Came up the sidewalk with two heavy bags, a pull-along shopping basket on wheels and my purse. Instead of stepping up on the step with my left foot, I didn’t think and stepped up with my right and put all my weight and the weight of everything I was carrying on the right knee.

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I let them all go right at that instance and probably made Satan himself blush.

My knee POPPED. Like a loud ass friggin balloon pop and the pain that shot through my leg was a 50 on a scale of 1 to 10. I managed to shuffle my way the last 30 feet to the front door and get inside where I collapsed on the chair. I think it was about 30 minutes before I could manage to get up and put the groceries away.

By the time yesterday evening rolled around, I wanted to just have the damn thing amputated. I got the bright idea to sit in the tub and soak my knee. Problem with that?

I was in the house alone.

After about 30 minutes I wanted to get out of the tub. Only problem there is I couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength to push myself up completely in just my arms, nothing sturdy enough that I could grab onto and pull myself up with. 

I looked like a beached whale trying to roll over and push myself up on my left knee in this tiny narrow tub. Thank God there were no video cameras rolling or I’d have definitely been a top candidate for America’s Funniest Videos.

After that I went to bed. Well tried anyway. The pain was so excruciating that I contemplated going to the hospital last night but I was too tired to move, let alone try to drive somewhere. So I just lay as still as possible and suffered through dozing off and waking up about every 40 minutes or so. 

This morning I was at the emergency room as soon as the kid was off to school. 

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When they asked me what my pain level was on a scale of 1 to 10 I said 30. Isn’t it annoying how you have to tell everyone you meet what’s wrong with you over and over till you get to the doctor? Why can’t they share this information and save me the energy from having to repeat myself ten times.

So several x-rays later – still no drugs for the pain – the doctor comes in all chipper and tells me I’ve just got some bad knee pain due to the fall – no additional tears or broken bones or anything. Here’s some crappy Tramadol 50mg pain tablets and follow-up with the ortho doctor in one week, have a nice day.

So the immobilizer is back on, the shitty pain meds are on the table in front of me, and my fat ass is resting on the couch till the pain eases up some. I might get out of cooking dinner tonight – that would be a win.

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