Imagine this…a woman is hunched over her computer keyboard. Tabs are open in her trusty browser for Kmart, Wal-Mart, Target, Toys ‘r Us, Sears and Dick’s Sporting Goods. She has a list beside her with her offspring’s Christmas wishes. She furiously searches back and forth between tabs for each item, trying to find the best price. It’s 9:30 a.m., and it is just three shopping days left till Christmas. A pen stuck in her mouth, the telephone glued to her ear, store numbers on speed dial, her fingers fly across the keyboard, desperately trying to find the blessed “in stock” words that are about as illusive as a needle in a haystack at the moment. Her hair is sticking out in different directions, frazzled from the stress.
This happens to me every single year. It is 3 days before Christmas and I’m in the midst of a full-blown anxiety attack because I can’t find the one thing that the youngest testosterone carrier wanted for Christmas this year – a Huffy Green Machine. Why can’t I find it? Because, as usual, The Man Thing completely SUCKS at listening to ME and didn’t give me the funds to go and put the damn thing on layaway three months ago when I wanted to. So now all of them have been purchased and no additional stock will be in before Christmas. I’ve had salespeople telling me all day long while I work the phones, “Don’t you realize that is a hot ticket item this year and we can’t keep them in stock?” Yes, dear salespeople, I actually do realize this, but since my man thing sees fit to wait each year two days before Christmas to give me money to do Christmas shopping … I’M FUCKING DESPERATE HERE, OKAY?
I cannot even begin to tell you how maddening it is to have to do this shit. One year, he didn’t get paid until December 24th. So guess who was out there at 6pm running around like a friggin crazed person from store to store trying to find the items on their wish list for Christmas with just 2 to 3 hours to shop before the stores closed for the night.
I had to break the news to the little guy that it didn’t look good for the Huffy Green Machine this year. I should have made HIM tell him. He was disappointed (duh, ya think?) but he did give me some alternates he would like to have (can you believe he turned down getting a tablet like mine?!?) that will actually total less than the coveted Green Machine so we’ll be okay in that department. You can bet your sweet ass though that the man thing is going to be getting him his Green Machine next pay period come hell or high water.
Screw Christmas I’m Done
I’ve had it with Christmas. If I could, I’d take all the damn decorations down and put everything away. I am in full-blown Grinch mode right now. Since I can’t take the decorations down at home, I de-Christmased the blog. Helped a teeny bit.
I don’t quite know how yet, but come hell or high water, if I have to walk to the store in a friggin blizzard 20 miles one way, next year, things will be put on layaway in September. Next year, we will make little payments over a period of months to enable us to provide our children with a few choice, requested, gifts – instead of buying them CRAP that will end up in the bin in a month’s time because IT IS NOT WHAT THEY WANTED and therefore NOT taken care of.
There’s a bottle of aspirin at my side, I’ve chain-smoked my way through a pack and a half of cigarettes in less than 12 hours time, and I have a headache that won’t quit. I opened up my fortune cookie from last night and found this – the cherry on the day:
You will be showered with good luch.
Just what I fucking needed, a good luck fortune that is misspelled. Go figure. That’s just the way it’s been today.