The Scare of a Lifetime

Things were eerily quiet as I sat there, with my daughter’s cell phone in my hand, watching text messages come in from friends.  She is so loved, she has so many friends, it just breaks my heart.  I can’t do this.  I call her childhood friend, Candie, to tell her the news that I can’t believe myself.  I hear her answer the phone and I just completely break down.  I manage to tell her, through my tears, that April has died in a horrible car accident and I don’t know what to do.

I woke up then.  Shaking.  Crying uncontrollably.  My heart felt as though it was ripped from my chest.  The remnants of the dream still holding on to a corner of my brain, I saw in my mind’s eye a message come in from an unknown friend on her cell phone and I respond back, “She would have really liked that.”

Oh. My. God. It can’t be.  Please, God, don’t let it be.  I frantically grab the phone and call her.  I just need to hear her voice.  Please, God.  I get her voice mail, and a fresh wave of tears erupts and I crumple to the floor.  I can’t breathe.  The pain is so immense in my chest, I feel as though it is going to explode.

Where is she?  It’s Friday, she should be home.  I frantically call TMT and tell him what happened and that I cannot get in touch with April.  I can hear the panic in his voice as well as he tries to tell me to just keep calling her until I reach her.  He understands all to well the power of premonitions and does not discount my fear, this time.

I sit on the bed with the phone in my hand, dialing again.  The phone rings and I hear, “I’m brushing my teeth.  I’ll call you right back.”

She’s alive and well.  Thank you God.  Through an avalanche of tears I sit and I wait.  Just a minute passes, but it seems like an hour.  The phone rings and it’s her.  I start crying uncontrollably again, trying to explain to her about the dream, and how utterly devastated I felt. I give her strict orders that she is not allowed to die before me.  I could not take it.

How truly terrifying to glimpse what it is like to lose a child.  I commend those who have lost a child for whatever reason, for finding the will to keep going, day to day, month to month, year to year.  I do not know that I could be that strong.  The crushing pain I felt just hours ago at the mere thought of having lost my daughter was enough to nearly push me over the edge.  I cannot fathom having to deal with that reality, I do not want to ever have to deal with that reality.

Baby Girl, you mean the world to me.  I cannot imagine my life without you in it.  I do not want to, I refuse to.  I love you, so very, very much. Always remember that. 

You are my heart, always and forever.

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